You cut me open and I...

I can still remember the look on his face. "This is not the end," he said holding a gothic cross and tissue in one hand and my hand in the other. Those words comfort nothing these days.

"You`re going to leave," I insisted, "it is in my cards."

The deck was stacked for naught; it was only a dream...it was only a dream --née a hallucination.

Dreams, exactly where I left them cloud judgment at every passing. We used to speak in dreams.

My point of balance was askew...

I saw you the other day; not the old you, but a new you. Dark hair, specked with silver prematurely, and kind eyes. You were casually holding your coffee as you strolled through looking at the same items that I was. I kept looking further and further along the shelf to get a better look at you. I said, "excuse me" shyly and you let out a timid, "pardon."

The future passed before me so realistic it was as if I'd just missed it. Courting, a short engagement, marriage, arguments over money, children, and retirement. Too fast!

Scared, I stepped away for a few, but when I came back you were gone. You'd disappeared completely. It doesn't seem like much, but I'd like to thank you, whoever you are. You made me forget any other for a few hours.

I am as constant as the northern star...

Today was just another day; I rode the bus to work, went to my office, forced myself to look at some work, and then surfed the Internet for the rest of the day. I've never been so disengaged from work. It's as if all that I've worked so hard for doesn't matter any more; it has all become a bore.

Eat, Sleep, Work, and do it again. This weekend I heard a friend say, "oh, the life of a baby. Eat. Sleep. Poop. Repeat." Somehow, I don't think they really understood that. I think there's a good reason we can't remember that part of our life, it's got to be horrifyingly cold and alone.

My first memory is of me sitting on the kitchen counter, a circus peanut in my hand, and my mother zipping up my windbreaker so we could go for a walk. There was something exciting about the textures of that orange, foamy candy, but beyond that everything was foreign. I was an alien in my own world.

Which brings me to now -- Déjà Vu.

Honey why you callin me so late...

I guess you can say that I've branched out, started a franchise. Looking to revisit what I'd lost or, at the very least, find closure.

There once was a time that I had wanderlust. I traveled and moved every couple of years, but never more than 4 years was spent in one place. I've been here a while. It reminds me of a movie I just rewatched recently,

"you know what they say when you get lost in the woods? If you stay put, stay in one place and don't wander, they'll find you. And I was just hoping you'd let yourself be found this time. I was hoping you'd let us find you. But you keep wandering and we can't. "

Well, I haven't been wandering. I've been right here, a mere miles from where I got lost, and yet no one ever came looking for me. I am here -- Where are you?

Is there some sign?

The number on the matchbook is old and faded...

I don't know why I bother to think about those who left. They left for some reason.. namely me.

For years I was too available. I fell for the man who could make me feel different. Different from what it was that I'd felt in the past. I fell for some bozos. I'll just put them out there (minus the first): Don, Tripp, Tom, Jeff, Tim, Seth, Steve, Tom, Matt, Mick, Dan, Chris, Todd, Jeff, Eric, Mathias, Scott, Ryan, Jon, Stephen... Oh, It's not even worth mentioning.

To be fair, some of them were left by me, and most of them were hardly a fall, they were more of a stumble or knock on the shin...but they all hurt in various levels of pain. None so bad as the first, but they still hurt. Well, except for a couple of those momentary lapses in judgment. That seems to happen a lot.