My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away...

Sometimes it only takes a date, a smell, a word, a building, or a car to bring me back.  Something as simple as Thanksgiving causes me to flash back to my first year without my family.  

Ten years ago, the matriarch of the family was lying in a hospital bed dying slowly.  She was my constant, my support system, and I couldn't reach out to her. Many of my friends had all but ditched me.  I had always been the clown, the joker, the rock for them to lean on, but when needed help after a bad breakup with an abusive asshole and a hit with a serious family illness, they didn't like the sad clown -- I brought them down and they could have none of that.  

I started dating this guy, nothing serious yet, but a balanced version of me as I saw it; mature, calm, cool, confident, yet distant.  I wasn't comfortable in my own skin, but somehow he was fine with that.  He would just hold me. I didn't talk about what was going on in my life at home, but he somehow knew what to do without being asked.  No family to turn to, he created a family of friends for me to spend the holidays with. It was beautiful and warm...and when the day was done, he took me home and just held me.  I couldn't tell him what was going on, but his arms were open.  In the morning, he'd leave, and a few months later, he'd not come back.

I'm beginning to think that some people were meant to serve as a walk-on cameo in the story of our lives.  

You say go slow I fall behind...

Just a thought: You with the silver rimmed glasses, dark hair, and shy smile. Thanks for making my day this weekend. I noticed you noticing and it made me remember what it felt like to be that young, giddy child again.

On occasion, I think back to me in my late teens and wish I could be that bright-eyed and optimistic again. Time after time

You always find my faults faster than you find your own...

I wish I knew what the hell it was that I'm doing here. Just when I think I have control over myself, I have a slip.

It's this strong sense of independence and control that has left me unable to tell people with whom I am close what I'm feeling and only a small fraction of what I'm thinking.

I just can't let anyone as close as I have in the past. Hell, I won't even let myself that close. I guess I'm waiting for my own spring awakening. A time to thaw.

Unfortunately, it's that time of year when things just get colder.

Peace out.

I'll keep you locked in my head...

That filthy bastard did it again.   He tried to discount everything he said to delusions.

Feeling a bit High and Mighty? Well, yes, I`m calling it -- Bull Shit. You. god. damned. Fuckwit.

Some have asked what the story was. Well, here's the gist of it: Fell in love, was promised the world, changed the path of my life to meet his, then when I was hooked -- he cheated, I was stupid and forgave, then he did it again and again, I forgave, then he dumped me, I cried, then a couple of years later he came back around to tell me he'd grown and he strung me along for a couple of years long-distance, then he backed off when I finally agreed to take things seriously again.  

Almost 10 years of cat and mouse and I was fucking exhausted.  Now I'm stuck in a rut that I can't get out of, because I can't seem to make myself feel the euphoria of the first time we met.  I've been desperately seeking that feeling, that confidence in myself, and I just can't seem to grab on to it. 

I'd like to put things on rewind and start back 14 years ago, but now I just feel like a fool. That's it. A fucking fool.