I walk alone...

So tonight, as I sit here with my bourbon on the rocks, I reflect on what might have been. My past presents itself in a dream-like swirl of booze and the rain evaporating off of hot asphalt.

:10 years back:

Naked against a stranger’s pillow, I wondered where I lost my soul and then decided it must have been somewhere after the fifth trick. Did some predator devour it in a moment of rapture? Or was it simply wiped up in some towel and discarded with the rest of my indiscretion for that evening? An idea I find most troubling.

My name is merely an expletive that is cried out in the throes of passion. He had no right to my real name, as his name means nothing more to me than any other: Dan, Tom, Mick, Jeff, Matt, they all began to sound the same. Not a one a gentleman; They didn’t even let me come first.

Looking back, I am quite aware that there was never a picture of "us" with him or any of these men. Just an image stored away in my mind for later reference. One of them could have been the man I'd been searching for, but I may never know.

There was nothing significant about this one, at least, nothing that I hadn't seen or done at least five times before. Something in my heart snapped and I realized, "This shit’s got to stop."

"Could this man beside me be the one?" I think. "Could this be the man of my dreams? Or is he just another trick like the rest?" Only two hours earlier this man had licked his lips at me outside of a rest stop and asked if I needed a ride.

"No, this is not the one."

So I retraced my steps and recover what I lost. I wiped the mess from my chest with the stranger’s shirt, got out of bed, and put my boxers on backward in my haste.

The stranger was staring at me, "Don’t look so hurt. It’s not like you expected me to stay." I said as I buttoned my jeans.

"Let me give you my number," the man said while digging through the nightstand.

I saw hope in that stranger’s eyes, but couldn't play along. I need to start fresh. How could I ever explain to someone later in life that we met in such a way?

"I won’t call you," I state, certain of nothing. "This was fun, but I don’t think it’s what I really want."

The stranger was stunned silent as I threw my bag over my shoulder and head out the door. More together than I ever thought I could be, I began my search.

Clouds descending...

I can smell you on me. I know it can't be, but your scent on my shirt lingers and I feel you on me again. Nothing sexual, just a slap, a grab of the foot, and I'm hooked. I'd drop everything for you, because when you smile everything drops out of sight of its own volition. I need you. To kiss you, hold you, etc...