"Battle-scarred is no way to live your life." Isn't that what you told me as I cried that first weekend together, or am I mixing you up with a song. No, I think you said, "don't mourn for what you haven't lost." Maybe it was some premonition, but I cried a river for the loss of you. I was only a child; not even 18 yet and you seemed so much wiser. I tried to trust you.
"Believe me, I will never leave you," you said. I tried to bring myself to, but you bruised what delicate faith I had. A story of a rabbit dancing past answering your call for an answer, the cheap cross on a satin cord, and the blustery lake-effect wind; they paint a rosy picture. I had every right to be scared and you took that from me along with my innocence -- Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
It was that faith that has me brainwashed; It's been over 10 years since we last touched and yet I can still feel your hand on my cheek and can still see my sadness reflected in those beautiful hazel eyes. You used to be able to tell my mood just from the color of my irises. I could not lie to you, but since then I've developed a poker face and quite the imagination.
Ruined. I can't even want those that love me, because I know they don't see the real me; only what I allow them to reach. But I feel that I can be open to the rest of the world through this digital venue; a complex matrix of 1s and 0s. When you bring it down to black and white, I feel much safer in my gambling.
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...the FIRST and the FORTIETH Drink
40th Drink
It's easy dismiss things we say as being "drunken speak," but really, they are so much more than that. Inebriation, intoxication, liberation.
Because "the truth lies in between the first and the fortieth drink."
HIStory
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- Exposed (3)
- The Distant Past (16)
- The First (8)
- The Near Past (8)
- The Present (34)
1 comment:
Your first love promised you a gift; little did you, or he, know that it was not his to give.
Do we ever really give love to others? That implies that we have a limited amount of love piled somewhere inside. If we spend it unwisely, without a guaranteed return, it's gone.
That's not the way it works.
Give yourself some love. Remind yourself of your virtues. Splurge on a caffeinated latte. Whatever.
Do it regularly, and you'll have plenty of love in store when there's no-one to top up your tank. And you'll have plenty of love to spend on the right guy, when he comes along.
Just sayin'
Peace, HB8
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